Letting Go and Letting God

Hello everyone, So just to piggyback off of my last post I decided to offer my husband one last chance after everything that has been done. After going to church and hearing from God I decided it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately after talking to him he is not willing to change. He will not stop what he is doing and I decided that I'm no longer going to deal with it. After talking to him I took a day off last week to go ahead and proceed in the area of a divorce. I know people have mixed emotions on divorce but I have to believe that my father who made me, does not want me to keep dealing with this. I will continue to pray for my husband and I hope that one day he will get it together but as for now it's not in the cards for me. On a good note.... yesterday in church I was given the opportunity to give a talk. I spoke on something I've been dealing with for a long time. When things happen to us in life sometimes it brings us to a point of being broken. And when we're broken things people say to us or about us affect us no matter if we admit it or not. Well I have been struggling with feeling worthy...the past mistakes I've made, my husband not loving or respecting me I felt less than a woman. I felt like if I couldn't even please my husband who is just a man how could I be pleasing to God? I had been praying for God to reveal my purpose and he showed me in a dream and I thought how can I minister to people when my life is so screwed up? But the Lord began to work on me in the spirit because we have to remember that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but spiritual wickedness in high places" Ephesians 6:12. In the spirit is where God can minister to you. Am I perfect...no but I strive everyday to be better than the day before. Anyway I spoke on Psalms 139 13:15 on how God formed me in my mother's womb and how I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You see sometimes all you have to do is pick up that word! Encourage yourself! You have to know that God will never leave you or forsake you. We were never promised that it would be easy...longsuffering is one of the fruits of the spirit! All you have to know is that weaping may endure for night...but Joy is coming on the morning! When it is your season you will reap the benefits. So I say all of that to say whatever you're going through trust him, don't give up, don't give in. Your miracle is at the end of your storm!

Cleansing

So after the events of last weekend I hoped that my week and weekend would be much better this time around. Friday we were closed so I went out with some of my co-workers and we had lunch and went to the movies. It made me feel better and took my mind off of alot of things. I cleaned my house on Friday and lounged around on Saturday. Sunday is when the cleansing came. My son asked me to visit his friend's church with him on Sunday. I was hesitant at first but something told me to go. Believe me when I tell you that God will lead you to where you need to be. On the first praise song I broke down. It's something about praise & worship that connects your spirit with God. Tears started falling immediately because I surrendered to him. I stood there broken and I lifted my arms to heaven and surrendered. I gave everything that happened prior to that day to him. I cried almost the entire service. The pastor happened to be talking about marriage and giving honor where honor is due. I thought to myself...I'm not trying to hear that! But God wanted me to hear it, he wanted me to see what he has been trying to tell me. You see when you are married you are as one, submit to your husbands and husbands submit to their wife and it goes on to say that it you do wrong to each other you will recieve the wrong that you do back and God has no respect a person. You see neither one of us can be blessed, it doesn't matter who does what under God's word we are as one ( Colossians 3: 17-25). You see if the head ain't right, nothing else is. The pastor gave his own testimony about how he used to cheat and run around on his wife, but when he became a willing vessel God changed his heart. I know God can anything...I'm not putting any limitations on him ever again. In order for God to work you have to be willing...the word says whosoever will let him come (Mark 8:34). Anyway to get to my point I was in a place spiritually where I heard from God and he told me simply what to do. Watch my delivery with my husband..he told me to go straight home and tell him this: I'm sorry that I have not honored you the way a wife is supposed to honor her husband, and you have not honored me the way a husband should honor his wife. At this point there are 2 options..if you feel that you aren't ready to stop seeing other women it's time to let go, if you feel that you are willing to surrender yourself to God and let God mend this marriage then I'll give it one more shot. We are not getting blessed and it's falling down upon our children. It's time to do someting. He looked at me in amazement, he was actually speechless...he asked could we talk about it later. Wow...the words from the Lord had him speechless! I'm still waiting to finish this conversation, but I'm prepared either way. I trust my father and I know that he has my best interests at heart. I don't rely on what man says, but what God says. Many may think I'm foolish to even think about giving him one last chance, some may think it's brave....I don't know the outcome but I do not that my trust is in the Lord and I'm done with the situation. Just waiting to hear from my husband and go to the next move. I know what I have to do either way. That's deep enough for now....stay tuned

Good Riddance!

Ok so today's BLOG will be dedicated to my husband. From this day forward I will never ever allow you to make me feel less than a woman. You don't deserve me or my children. I have never in life met a man with little to no regard on how he treats his wife, but his children...his sons. I'm so over you, everything you have taken from me I am taking back from you. My dignity, my strength, my pride, my self-esteem and most of all my Respect! I will no longer allow you to hurt my children, they have been broken enough. Your season reaking havoc in our household is over! To explain all of that I would have to just sum it up to this past weekend. After a summer of me and my 2 sons taking care of his daughter that was made during one of his extra marital affairs, he leaves to take her home but makes a detour to Dallas with yet another woman. Takes the child with him further confusing her (she is already in a jacked up situation) and introduces her to his new mistress and her 2 children. Had a wonderful family filled weekend, him meeting her family, not even mentioning that he has a wife and 2 other children at home. Takes pictures making out and posts them to facebook of all places and expect not to get caught. Not to mention that this woman knows he is married.... Family photos, kissy faces all on social media without the respect due to your family. Well I say this to you...this was your last time to cheat on me, on my boys...you are free to fly. Can you believe that after he does all of this he calls me from the bus station to pick him up.....my response...Kick Rocks! The nerve of him....seriously! In closing I would like to wish you Dewanna Johnson & Nathaniel Batiste a good life! I would also like to say that I'm still standing on God's word...I know he will deliver me. I'm also praying for him to have mercy on my husbands soul. He will have to answer for his actions one day..it may seem like he is getting off scott free but I promise you he won't. I guess that's enough for today...I'm steaming hott!

Stuck in the past

So lately for some reason I have been on the should've, could've, would'ves and it's weighing heavily on me. Your past is just what it says ...past! There is no way to change it only to move forward. Do I wish I would have known things back then that I do now...yes but lessons learned. I have been praying for the Lord to reveal to me what my pursope in this life is. I have been through so much and still going through on a daily basis. But I must say God blessed me with strength. I would also have to say that I get that strength from my mother. She is a strong woman but I don't think she knows her own strength! He knows what's best for me and I stand on his word daily! To get to the point of my post today...I have been thinking on what if I had made different choices what type of person would I be today? Honestly I had to grab my thoughts back and tell myself...there is no testimony without the TEST! God has allowed me to go through these things not only for myself... but to be a witness to someone else going through the same things I am. The one thing I have to remember is that it's all in his timing not my own. He has delivered me from so many things and I know he'll bring me through now! I was broken and he delivered me, I still have issues...no one is perfect but the key is to wake up everyday and do better than you did yesterday! I have alot of work to do...when people violate you, you have trust issues and when you have trust issues it's hard to trust anyone and sometime that goes over into your relationship with God. I had to realize that what ever happens to me in the natural don't let it penetrate my spirit! That's where my strength comes from! I have been used, abused, talked about, lied on, cheated on, misunderstood, told I would never amount to anything, failure was spoke upon me as a child...but at the age of 22 years old when I truly got saved God delivered me...I was so broken. Still dealing with the things that happened in the past. It's a healing process and there are times you feel weak, and then you feel your strength. Don't allow the devil to make you think you're unworthy of everything God has for you. That's my struggle! I guess that's deep enough for today...stay tuned...lol

My Truth

Over the last few years my life has been turned upside down, I have always considered myself strong but lately the boundaries of my strength have been tested. Without the Lord on my side there is no way I would have made it thus far. I invite you to take this journey with me as I reflect on my past, present and future endeavors. Writing has always been a passion of mine, sometimes putting feelings into words is the best way for expression. I'm not sure how often I will post, could be daily or weekly....depending on my mood I guess.