Picked out to be picked on

Sorry I haven't been posting in awhile but I've been going through a lot. Some people have been picked out to be picked on. I felt like I had everything planned amd it was supposed to go the way I planned it...but God already set my pace. Sometimes we wonder why we are the one's who are chosen to go through these trials but God knows what we can handle better than we know.for the past two days I've been in the bed thinking about what I did wrong what I should have done and what I can do better to make my situation better than what it is. The whole time I'm trying to figure it out God has already worked it out. Saying all that to say trust God don't try to work it out on your own if you love him and trust him believe the he's already working it out in your favor.please forgive me if I have any mistakes because I'm writing this blog from my cell phone today. So last week I went in to take my licensing exam for nursing and down to the computer and I pray before I started taking a test and I pray during a test and when it was time for me to take my first break I remember walking to the bathroom in slow motion because our own question 115 any had stopped. I was hoping that my computer would stop at 75. So on my way back when I was checking in the lady at the desk inform me that someone from every group gets randomly chosen 2 take the whole test 265 question. So for somebody with a text and said that is freaking me out. When I got back to my computer my text kept going and going sure enough 6 hours later 265 questions I was done. I cried on my way to the elevator because I feel defeated. At that moment I I realize that I may have failed this test. I was so focused on the answers that I didn't know and douting God that I basically made myself believe I failed before I even knew. that wasn't me I know that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed I can move mountains. so Wednesday afternoon I got the news and I was devastated. I've really only told my family and a few friends but I know so many others are dying to know if they haven't already logged on to check and to see if I passed. I thank God through all of this he is still giving me favor in high places. My new manager doesn't even know me personally but God touched her heart and she reached out to me and told me that this happens sometimes and another one of her nurses had this happen to her. She offered me a nurse tech position for the next month and a half so I can still have income and study to retake boards. Even through the midst of the storm God still worked it out on my behalf. That's why I love him so much and even when I feel down I just think about where he brought me from and my spirit rejoices. So today I got out of the bed sent thst depressing spirit back to the pits of hell where it came from and taking my joy back. Starting with cleaning my house, cooking my fellas a home cooked mealand tthen studying. I have to wait atleast 45 days before I can retest. I have no doubt that I will be successful this time but I'm definitely going to be more specific in my prayers! Lord I decree that I will pass this time and I wwill pass with 75 questions! In Jesus name I claim it done!

Breathe Again

Hello folks....it has been a busy couple of weeks! God has definitely been in the blessing business. If you truly love him, live for him and stand on his word he will supply your every need. Life has been fast and crazy at times. I'm just looking forward to moving on and having everything that the Lord has for me. Lately my boys have been acting out of their character, I'm not sure what the deal is but I know that this too shall pass. I know that having a father is important to a young man. It has to be as much as a young woman needing and having her mother. There are so many things that I can't teach them about being a man that they will need their dad for. I just hope that one day their relationships can be repaired and they can have the father/son relationship that they deserve and need. Sometimes I feel as if I let them down but this was a two way street. For years this has been developing. People have to take responsibility for their mess-ups! It's easy to play the blame game, but you will see that when you grow up and take responsibility for your actions and work to fix things....everything will fall into place. I am about to start living my life to the fullest. No limitations on God!!!! This is my Season and I will have all that he said I can have. One day that husband who will love me as God loves the church will find me. I will be his virtuous woman in waiting!!I'm sure the road won't be easy but I'm willing to travel it anyway. I'm just looking forward to lovong myself and having an awesome relationship with my heavenly father!!! I have so much to learn about myself that I din't know and so much to do for the Lord.I'm just excited :) Until next time....

Under Construction

This one will probably be short and sweet today. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend. I have taken the last few days to examine myself and see exactly where I need to start to pick my life up and move on. People say all the time what they would do if this happened and when it happens the truth is...it does not always go the way we plan! I know that everyday my heaviness will get a little less heavy, my heartache will hurt a little less and I will love myself a little more. When I look into the mirror I want to see this beautiful woman that others tell me they see. It's amazing to me that someone can look in the mirror and not see their worth. In the past when I looked in there I saw insecurity, hurt, grief, loss and unworthiness. Slowly but surely I'm starting to see beauty not just on the outside but inner beauty, confidence and worthiness. I am wonderfully and fearfully made and my father in heaven loves me. That by itself is enough to make me be able to go on. Don't get me wrong it's a struggle and I know it won't be easy...but I know my father has it all under control. I have learned to never give someone else the power to make you feel less than. You are more than enough!! And if you love God and live by his word he will supply your every need. He may not come everytime when we want him to come but he is ALWAYS ontime! We have to realize that some things we desire aren't good for us and our father knows it. Just know that whatever it is if he doesn't deliver you...just know that he is ABLE to!!

Letting Go and Letting God

Hello everyone, So just to piggyback off of my last post I decided to offer my husband one last chance after everything that has been done. After going to church and hearing from God I decided it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately after talking to him he is not willing to change. He will not stop what he is doing and I decided that I'm no longer going to deal with it. After talking to him I took a day off last week to go ahead and proceed in the area of a divorce. I know people have mixed emotions on divorce but I have to believe that my father who made me, does not want me to keep dealing with this. I will continue to pray for my husband and I hope that one day he will get it together but as for now it's not in the cards for me. On a good note.... yesterday in church I was given the opportunity to give a talk. I spoke on something I've been dealing with for a long time. When things happen to us in life sometimes it brings us to a point of being broken. And when we're broken things people say to us or about us affect us no matter if we admit it or not. Well I have been struggling with feeling worthy...the past mistakes I've made, my husband not loving or respecting me I felt less than a woman. I felt like if I couldn't even please my husband who is just a man how could I be pleasing to God? I had been praying for God to reveal my purpose and he showed me in a dream and I thought how can I minister to people when my life is so screwed up? But the Lord began to work on me in the spirit because we have to remember that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but spiritual wickedness in high places" Ephesians 6:12. In the spirit is where God can minister to you. Am I perfect...no but I strive everyday to be better than the day before. Anyway I spoke on Psalms 139 13:15 on how God formed me in my mother's womb and how I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You see sometimes all you have to do is pick up that word! Encourage yourself! You have to know that God will never leave you or forsake you. We were never promised that it would be easy...longsuffering is one of the fruits of the spirit! All you have to know is that weaping may endure for night...but Joy is coming on the morning! When it is your season you will reap the benefits. So I say all of that to say whatever you're going through trust him, don't give up, don't give in. Your miracle is at the end of your storm!

Cleansing

So after the events of last weekend I hoped that my week and weekend would be much better this time around. Friday we were closed so I went out with some of my co-workers and we had lunch and went to the movies. It made me feel better and took my mind off of alot of things. I cleaned my house on Friday and lounged around on Saturday. Sunday is when the cleansing came. My son asked me to visit his friend's church with him on Sunday. I was hesitant at first but something told me to go. Believe me when I tell you that God will lead you to where you need to be. On the first praise song I broke down. It's something about praise & worship that connects your spirit with God. Tears started falling immediately because I surrendered to him. I stood there broken and I lifted my arms to heaven and surrendered. I gave everything that happened prior to that day to him. I cried almost the entire service. The pastor happened to be talking about marriage and giving honor where honor is due. I thought to myself...I'm not trying to hear that! But God wanted me to hear it, he wanted me to see what he has been trying to tell me. You see when you are married you are as one, submit to your husbands and husbands submit to their wife and it goes on to say that it you do wrong to each other you will recieve the wrong that you do back and God has no respect a person. You see neither one of us can be blessed, it doesn't matter who does what under God's word we are as one ( Colossians 3: 17-25). You see if the head ain't right, nothing else is. The pastor gave his own testimony about how he used to cheat and run around on his wife, but when he became a willing vessel God changed his heart. I know God can anything...I'm not putting any limitations on him ever again. In order for God to work you have to be willing...the word says whosoever will let him come (Mark 8:34). Anyway to get to my point I was in a place spiritually where I heard from God and he told me simply what to do. Watch my delivery with my husband..he told me to go straight home and tell him this: I'm sorry that I have not honored you the way a wife is supposed to honor her husband, and you have not honored me the way a husband should honor his wife. At this point there are 2 options..if you feel that you aren't ready to stop seeing other women it's time to let go, if you feel that you are willing to surrender yourself to God and let God mend this marriage then I'll give it one more shot. We are not getting blessed and it's falling down upon our children. It's time to do someting. He looked at me in amazement, he was actually speechless...he asked could we talk about it later. Wow...the words from the Lord had him speechless! I'm still waiting to finish this conversation, but I'm prepared either way. I trust my father and I know that he has my best interests at heart. I don't rely on what man says, but what God says. Many may think I'm foolish to even think about giving him one last chance, some may think it's brave....I don't know the outcome but I do not that my trust is in the Lord and I'm done with the situation. Just waiting to hear from my husband and go to the next move. I know what I have to do either way. That's deep enough for now....stay tuned

Good Riddance!

Ok so today's BLOG will be dedicated to my husband. From this day forward I will never ever allow you to make me feel less than a woman. You don't deserve me or my children. I have never in life met a man with little to no regard on how he treats his wife, but his children...his sons. I'm so over you, everything you have taken from me I am taking back from you. My dignity, my strength, my pride, my self-esteem and most of all my Respect! I will no longer allow you to hurt my children, they have been broken enough. Your season reaking havoc in our household is over! To explain all of that I would have to just sum it up to this past weekend. After a summer of me and my 2 sons taking care of his daughter that was made during one of his extra marital affairs, he leaves to take her home but makes a detour to Dallas with yet another woman. Takes the child with him further confusing her (she is already in a jacked up situation) and introduces her to his new mistress and her 2 children. Had a wonderful family filled weekend, him meeting her family, not even mentioning that he has a wife and 2 other children at home. Takes pictures making out and posts them to facebook of all places and expect not to get caught. Not to mention that this woman knows he is married.... Family photos, kissy faces all on social media without the respect due to your family. Well I say this to you...this was your last time to cheat on me, on my boys...you are free to fly. Can you believe that after he does all of this he calls me from the bus station to pick him up.....my response...Kick Rocks! The nerve of him....seriously! In closing I would like to wish you Dewanna Johnson & Nathaniel Batiste a good life! I would also like to say that I'm still standing on God's word...I know he will deliver me. I'm also praying for him to have mercy on my husbands soul. He will have to answer for his actions one day..it may seem like he is getting off scott free but I promise you he won't. I guess that's enough for today...I'm steaming hott!

Stuck in the past

So lately for some reason I have been on the should've, could've, would'ves and it's weighing heavily on me. Your past is just what it says ...past! There is no way to change it only to move forward. Do I wish I would have known things back then that I do now...yes but lessons learned. I have been praying for the Lord to reveal to me what my pursope in this life is. I have been through so much and still going through on a daily basis. But I must say God blessed me with strength. I would also have to say that I get that strength from my mother. She is a strong woman but I don't think she knows her own strength! He knows what's best for me and I stand on his word daily! To get to the point of my post today...I have been thinking on what if I had made different choices what type of person would I be today? Honestly I had to grab my thoughts back and tell myself...there is no testimony without the TEST! God has allowed me to go through these things not only for myself... but to be a witness to someone else going through the same things I am. The one thing I have to remember is that it's all in his timing not my own. He has delivered me from so many things and I know he'll bring me through now! I was broken and he delivered me, I still have issues...no one is perfect but the key is to wake up everyday and do better than you did yesterday! I have alot of work to do...when people violate you, you have trust issues and when you have trust issues it's hard to trust anyone and sometime that goes over into your relationship with God. I had to realize that what ever happens to me in the natural don't let it penetrate my spirit! That's where my strength comes from! I have been used, abused, talked about, lied on, cheated on, misunderstood, told I would never amount to anything, failure was spoke upon me as a child...but at the age of 22 years old when I truly got saved God delivered me...I was so broken. Still dealing with the things that happened in the past. It's a healing process and there are times you feel weak, and then you feel your strength. Don't allow the devil to make you think you're unworthy of everything God has for you. That's my struggle! I guess that's deep enough for today...stay tuned...lol

My Truth

Over the last few years my life has been turned upside down, I have always considered myself strong but lately the boundaries of my strength have been tested. Without the Lord on my side there is no way I would have made it thus far. I invite you to take this journey with me as I reflect on my past, present and future endeavors. Writing has always been a passion of mine, sometimes putting feelings into words is the best way for expression. I'm not sure how often I will post, could be daily or weekly....depending on my mood I guess.